LOVE

I'm sitting here, listening to a new friendship. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds' "No More Shall We Part". My dear friend Lasse, who means more to me than he'll ever realize, told me I'd love this album. It's filled with dark ballads, he said, the way you want it.

To be honest, not many people has done this to me - giving me advices on what to listen to and saying it suit me perfectly. I'm not the kinda person to appreciate people telling me what I like. I don't mind listening to music that other peple like - but when they're sure I'll love it too... I get all suspicious and just refuse to listen to the tunes with an open mind.
I'm very childish in that way.

Lasse introduced me to Edie Brickell and I was furious.
Her music is so not my type of music, and she's gorgeous looking and ... not me! Still, her songs are speaking to my heart and soul and she put the words and tunes to what's circling in my brain. I really hated Lasse for a long time for letting her in my life. But once I stoped feeling betrayed and got comfy with this singer/songwriter theme I appreciated what he'd done and now when Lasse tells me there's something he thinks suits me - I rush down to the records store, eager to find out if this is yet something that will change & improve my life, the way Edie Brickell has.

Listening to Nick Cave I can hear the recent loss and the sadness. The piano is clear and bright. His voice is rough and sad, maybe he's already given up. He doesn't sound desperat. Not the way the lyrics would give him the right to be.
But this isn't just a desperate cry from a broken hearted man. This is something more. There's a religious touch to this album - something that feels very strange and new to me. I'm not used to music being used in that way - to express religious doubts - or is that just what I'm hearing cause I can't see the full deepness of the lyrics?

"No More Shall We Part" sounds so very sad, so unbelievably fragile and lonesome. But listening to the lyrics he really should be happy - he's got married, it's the end of tragedy and he'll never have to say "she's left me" and everything is changing... But he doesn't sound happy.
Maybe he just isn't.
Life so strange, so odd and listening to Nick Cave I realize Lasse is right, this suits me well and will not leave this album until I fully absorbed and understand the meaning of the lyrics, not being fooled by the music.

Love really is one of the most complicated state a man or woman can be in. Feeling deep love for someone gives you away completly. There's not much you can do about it. Myself I show it in my eyes. They sparkle and glister and noone ever has to ask, if you have to ask - then you're not it - the reason for the love I feel. If I want to save the "I love you-part" in a relationship I need to wear shades.

But it doesn't matter how clearly it shows - some men need to ask anyway. Some men will forever need to hear the words and won't be satisfied with the signs and what's in front of them - all though, my eyes are as an open book and if you learn how to read it, then there won't be any secrets, misunderstandings and no need for doubts.

But it's never that easy.
Love never is.

Not even if you are clear and make up the rules - even writing a contract - everything might go wrong. No individuals are the same. You learn to understand one man and you think, when the love's gone and the relationship's down the drain, that at least you have the knowledge now, about men, that will help you in a new releationship later on in life.

The only thing I've learned, that helped me advance in any relationship, is that everything I've learned about men goes down the drain too, when the relationship's over & done. Reason for this is that men clarly are more complicated than women have a tendency to believe and that when you hit love you feel this is SO different and this is The One and nothing as what I've felt before... I'm writing this with a smile, I keep doing this all the time and I'm sure I'll do it many times more - if I wouldn't, then it would be a real tragedy as it would mean I've given up on finding the perfect partner.

Giving it some more thoughts, there's one more thing I've learned. I've learned what I want from a realationship and what's important to me.
Respect, love, happiness, honesty, freedom and even more respect.

What's the point to be with someone who clearly want to change you - or you clearly can't live with the way this person is right now. You know you have to take the full package.
Live with it.
Sure you can try to make the person you've decided to love wear different cloths or have some other hairstyle or show some manner or something like that, but the personality sticks.
The older we get, the less you're bound to success changing.

I'm very suspicious of falling in love.
Breaking up is more of my cup of tea.
Scary, isn't it?

I've been hurt so badly I can't really rely on a different end than breaking up. Why would there be? Sooner or later the "every day routine" comes along... and you have to find it in you to live with it.
I don't know what makes it easier to have those routines alone, than to have them with someone. Maybe I find the life as single more comfortable. Or maybe it's my bad experiences. Being in a relationship, to me, means I have to give up a large part of what I am and to start compromise, giving & taking. Sitting here by my computor writing for hours would be impossible with my lover at home.
In the first phase - when you're totally lovestruck - I wouldn't consider sitting here writing, but then, when the routine of every days comes along I would want it. And I wouldn't want to feel I'm antisocial by doing so.
It's easy sitting here deciding what I am looking for and what I need - I already know that when love hits me from a clear blue sky all of my sensibilities has gone.

I hope, that when I meet The One, he'll be everything I want and need in a man.
That he'll sing me a love song in the shower.
That he has a life already and is male and mature enough to realize I don't sleep with everyone I'm talking to. That he believes me when I tell him I would never lie, cheat nor try to change him.
That I need my freedom but I also needs the security and arms to feel safe in.
I have all the tragedy one needs behind, it takes time to trust and I'll surely put him thru a zillion tests to make him prove his honest intentions.

The last man to pass the tests didn't love me. He loved someone else.

But it's okay cause he made me believe in love again and I'll alwyas keep him in my heart. Maybe, some day he'll be a good friend of mine and tell me about some song he heard and know I would love if I heard it too...