Dime RIP

I remember waking up 2 years ago. My fiancé was shaking me softly. He'd already gone to work but came back home for some reason. I didn't want to wake up. He told me I had to as he had to tell me something. Something sad. I said something like "who died?" and I wasn't awake enough to see how serious he was. I sat up and somehow J told me there'd been an accident, a shooting. He spoke of Damageplan. I wasn't fully awake yet, I didn't know what he was talking about. He looked me in my eyes and said "Dime's been shot". I didn't feel anything but my tears started to fall. He said ""Dime's dead". My eyes flooded. I know he said something about the others in the band, "Vinnie?" He didn't know. With the time differences it'd just happened there but was morning here. I don't remember when I got angry instead of sad. I remember wanting to talk to anyone from that era of my life. I remember was angry at myself for not supporting Damageplan, for not buying the album, for being a stubborn Pantera-fan waiting for them (Phil) to get cleaned up and get back together. Pantera's been on my wish-list for Sweden Rock since ever. I didn't see them after the last gig in Stockholm. I was supposed to have seen them later on the Far Beyond Driven-tour but shows were cancelled and I never went. Knowing what I know today I would have gone on every show, even if the shows were cancelled I should have gone just to hang out with them... I would have tagged along, I wouldn't have let them forget me, I wouldn't... Shouldn't... I always thought they'd come back. It never once occured to me that I'd had my chances and that the party was over and all the fun would just be a very distant memory. Sometimes the memories are more vivid, a McFish is always Dime's food even though, in Stockholm, someone else ate it and the guy who did begged us not to tell on him... I remember in Copenhagen at Pumpehuset 1992 (or maybe it was 1993) when I looked around I realised I was probably the oldest in there (19 yrs old) and the only female not dragged there by a boyfriend. Afterwards they stayed and hung out with us, the fans. Signing autographs, posing (not really) for photos. Or when they supported Megadeth and we were guests for Megadeth and I (stubborn as I am) was sulking for all the party was with Pantera and I was stuck in the non-alcohol camp of Megadeth... I was relieved when I wasn't on their 2nd homevideo, they'd filmed me showing off one of the glam-Pentera albums that they'd just signed for me. Dime was impressed by my nails and because of them I was introduced to the camera as "new Swedish pornstar" which of course they had much fun at seeing me get bloodred about. An hour later we were playing cusion-football and me and my cousin where just one of the guys (only lausy at the game). Today I would have loved having myself on the homevideo, proving I was a part of it all. The madness, the fun. I guess one of the things I liked about Pantera was that they saw I was a fan and treated me like one, never once did they suggest I'd be a groupie. My love for Pantera goes deep even though I still feel it very hard to listen to them it's far worse to see them on video. The video Black Label Society did for The River is, by far, the most emotional video I ever seen. I cry a river every time. Whenever I see a Dean guitar my heart make moves that hurts me. I try to be happy and remember the good things and cheerish the memories, but it's far mor difficult than I ever imagined. Dime, wherever you are, your music will live on forever, it's eternal...