I think I've had one of those moments when you realise you think you know someone so well but you don't at all. First I thought it was strange but then, after talking and thinking about it, I actually blamed me. I blamed myself for being "me". I know I have changed over the years, but maybe not really just how much. I have now at age 34 reached some kind of calmness. I am pleased. Of course I still get the occasional anxiety attack for not doing enough with my life, not struggling towards a distant future.
But then, again, that's what used to make me stressed. What really made me feel better about myself was to close a chapter. I don't feel bad about the schoolyears anymore cause that's nothing I can affect now. I used to regret not studying harder at university but I've closed that chapter cause I got by and I did very good. I also closed the chapter regarding my lovestories, affairs and romances.
Thinking back now it's all a blur. I probably remember what happend to the guys in Beverley Hills 90210 better than what I did during the same time. Yes, it's true I broke up with my boyfriend when Brenda broke up with Dylan....
And what happend after that, all the music, all the gigs, all the crushes I don't know anymore.
Someone described the situation regarding musicans as "they love you to bits but as soon as you're off around the corner they forget about you" and that's true. After 10 years meeting the same musician once a year (once being 4-5 dates on a tour) and every time you had to introduce yourself, selling yourself to be interesting enough to party with again.
My life was built around them but I wasn't even in their atmosphere when I wasn't in front of them. Others remembers you, know you by name and are happy to see you but that doesn't put you on the Christmascardlist... So I guess, slowly I have made them memories instead of keeping them alive.
I remember those days when I hang around Deep Purple - the best days and tours of my life. But, what I am trying to say here, is that I now see most of them as humans and not idols. Don't get me wrong, if I'd finally see John Waite live I wouldn't believe anyone saying he's human and I wouldn't be able to sleep for weeks before... and I would ask for an autograph and a picture with him... But it's not my life anymore. I guess those who still are stuck in that circle think I am a real bore now.
So I guess that's why I don't know this person anymore at all.
Feels better now. Knowing.
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