Yearbook of 2008

Best Book: The three books by Stieg Larsson. Highly recommended. After finishing the first book at 5 in the morning I couldn't sleep. Had to know what would happend next, so I was at the bookstore knocking at the door when they opened. Highly addictive. Should have been 10 books but Stieg Larsson sadly passed away before he had to to write more.

Best CD: Easy. 'Venus In Overdrive' by Rick Springfield. It's a complete album, it has everything and you want to cry, you want to dance - it's so perfect you wonder if he'll ever be able to make another album again.

On The TV: Grey's Anatomy.

Discovered the show last spring and catched up during the summer. McDreamy and McSteamy rules. However, new season is a disapointment. Don't think it'll survive much longer. And on that note, ER is doing their last season. I miss it already. I have followed every episode - the

first aired in Sweden when I lived in a dorm at Stockholm University, 1994. It's a long time ago, much has changed.

Best Concert: 3 Doors Down at KB-halle. Magic. It was one of those life altering moments, when you know you won't be the same afterwards. Life is short, the world is enormous. A piece of the tasty Humble Pie is actually a good idea, from time to time.

Best Song: As I put Rick Springfield up as the best album I will but 3 Doors Down here for "It's Not My Home". Means a lot.

The Sexiest Man: I haven't seen John Sykes this year!! But I saw Bret Michaels, so he'll be the one. Only in the absence of Sykes, of course. But Jeff Scott Soto should have all the credit, thinking about it. He OWNED Firefest. My god, he was HOT. I confess to taking him for granted these days, such a down to earth guy - but seeing him at Firefest made me remember what an artist he really is. He's the one. Sorry Bret.

Neal Schon (above) and Paul Stanley (below) at Arrow Classic Rock in Nijmegen

Best Moment: There has been some good days. It's not all tears and sorrow. Seeing Kiss again, at Arrow Rock was cool. Journey with

'the new singer', when I closed my eyes it was Steve Perry for sure. Dare at Sweden Rock of course. Boyfriend and I have really been to a lot of concerts this year. Not as much as I used to, in the old days, but a lot for being 2008 and me living where I live. We didn't see Van Halen at Madison Square Garden, but apart from that we've seen what we wanted. More or less. Kansas doing a club gig in Malmö. Down of course and 3 Doors Down. But also Ted Nugent and Pretty Maids - twice.

Getting my precious iPhone was a great moment too, actually it's a great moment everytime I use it :-)

But I think, maybe, time spending with my friends has meant the most to me. My friends at the festival and outside. I am not a big talker and and I guess it all got too much, even for me. So, thank you for your patience.

Worst Moment: When I realised it was J they wrote about in the newspaper. That he was gone. Losing Michelle of course. And my sisters best friend A. It all happen in 12 days. Nothing will be the same. And yet, everything is the same. There's not a day without me thinking about them. Losing Uncle C wasn't expected either. I am still processing. Finding clues, talking slowly about them. But since I don't talk about my friends and family that much I know I am not an easy person to help.

Awesome Internet Experience: HardRockRadioLive.com - MadIan's show on Fridays!

Best Gig: Down at KB in Malmö. I dreaded th

e moment seeing any of the Pantera guys again. But seeing Rex and Phil it gave me closure. The music was filled with the energy I have missed so much from Pantera. Thank you for welcoming a Pantera follower and making her feel like home.

Drink of the Year: Margaritas (the Amy way, thank you) and planty of water!!!

Best Movie: 'Juno' is one of the most refreshing movies I have seen. Loved the dialogue and actors. I will see it many more times.

Eyes of The Year: J, let me never forget your beautiful, loving eyes behind the Harry Potter-specs.

Best Ian Gillan Tune of The Year: I still listen to 'Haunted' and 'Clouds & Rain' when I want to remember the past.

The Place of The Year: Manhattan, New York City

Best Metal Club: Nottingham Rock City, UK

Nicest Person: Mattias - BFF as the kids wo

uld say, uh? ;-)

Asshole of 2008: I still can't put it in printing. But anyone who knows me knows who he is. One day I'll write a book about him... or not about him as much as the ways he uses.

To summarize: I don't remember anything about Sweden Rock Festival 2008, I don't know how I got thru it. I am truly greatful for everyone helping out, covering for me during the festival week. Not asking questions, not mentioning my bloated face. Everyone keeping a happy smile and a joke ready.

I didn't know what it'd feel like losing someone close. I don't think I know now either. My life is great, I am happy. Most of the days I am happy. Still I go around like my head is stuck in a black cloud and I don't know how to get out of it. That's when John Waite comes around, his music takes me out of the cloud or at least mark it with a silver lining. Same with 3 Doors Down. Their title track 'Away From The Sun' nailed me on the spot.

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense

Can anyone do what I've done

I missed life

I missed the colours of the world

Can anyone go where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Away from the sun again

I'm over this

I'm tired of living in the dark

Can anyone see me down here

The feeling's gone

There's nothing left to lift me up

Back into the world I've known

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun

That shines the life away from me

To find my way back into the arms

That care about the ones like me

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Final words: I think I should be more aware of life. How precious it is. Live life to the fullest and all that. Michelle is a rolemodel, she did the unexpected. She found love and she moved to Sweden and she got her own band here and she did good. She learned the language and she worked hard. She didn't give up her marrige easily, but she did what she had to do.

I don't do enough. I should work harder to get what I want. I just talk about the things I want to do, I don't actually do them. I used to, but it's as if I am to comfortable now. I don't like myself this way. Blame everyone else, but your self. I read an article about a Swedish woman my age who lived in New York City during the 9/11 and she worked with the Red Cross and did really good. She came back home after that and started working with the same I did before, in the Swedish Prison & probation service. (She probably got the job I applied for when I was going to move here.)

She didn't stay around for long at the job, she got new tasks and wrote papers and had ideas and the highest people in the system listened to her. Now she's moving back to NYC, working for the UN, representing the Swedish Prison & Probation service... I could have done that job. Or rather, I would love to have that job. It'd suite me perfectly. But it's not me. I don't struggle. I give up - or rather find new ways. I never know what it is I want. I get bored. When I get bored I want to do something else. And I change track, instead of evolving.

My fault.

My personality.

I have no idea how to find happiness. I am not even sure happiness exist in the shape I want it to be. But then again, it might. I do feel happy, not every day, but it's there. Not 'Charlotte in SATC'-happy, but it's there.

J always told me I could do anything I want to so that's what I'll try to tell me. How will I be able to remember it? Who shall tell me now, without sounding forged or fake?

Why?

I miss him so much.

If I Had My Life To Live Over

Looking for an photograph in my very old mailbox, from when I got my first iBook in 1999, I found this very beautiful poem sent to me from Michelle in 2000.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

by Erma Bombeck

(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer.)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was

guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy,I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you"s. More "I'm sorrys."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who DO love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.

And what we are doing each day to promote yourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.

Life is too short to let it pass you by.

We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

------

I think this actually is how Michelle lived life, with no regrets. To stay positive. To use the time we have.

...at least I hope so.

Holiday!

I am leaving the office for the holidays now...

Hate this season but I love the time off work!!

Earth shaking morning

At 6.20 this morning I couldn't decide weather the dryer had gone mental or if the timber trailers finally made it thru the walls.
Switching off the dryer I realised the noise came from the outside or from the house, from the basement. I have no idea where the cats were. I heard the boyfriend getting up (more like storming up) and coming (rushing) down saying it's an earthquake. No idea how he'd knew that. But of course I knew he was right. I stood there, in the kitchen, one hand on the glas cabinette and the other in the air, like trying to stop whatever was coming. It was over as soon as it started, but it felt like several minutes.

So, this is what it would be like to live in California?
I don't think I could ever get used to that.

Nickelback vs Hinder

As long as the Boyfriend and I have been together he has been a fan of Nickelback. I never been. He's tried to make me listen to them but I have refused. Apart from in his car, where he decides the music. I never really liked them, it's as easy as that.
However, recently they're playing the 2nd last album at the gym, so every morning I hear 3-4 songs by them and that's a good way to make me like something. Or at least, to open my mind.

When boyfriend recieved the latest Nickelback album "Dark Horse" to review he asked if I wanted to hear it and I said yes (sometimes I surprise my self). And you know, it's not that bad. It is actually really good. Sound like the album Hinder should have made... Fuck me for saying it out loud (or writing it). But it's true. 'Take It To The Limit' isn't as good as 'Extreme Behaviour'. But then again, '"Extreme" was amazing and I still listen to it every week. I am not sure it'll be another "Temple Bar" (John Waite) or "Away From The Sun" (3 Doors Down) but it's definitly not an album that will be forgotten.

All of a sudden we entered the world of winter. It still feels very surreal. You may think there are polar bears walking the streets of Sweden, but it's more like something out of the sea. It's raining all the time. So, when we drove into this wonderful winter scenary it was difficult not getting carried away. If it hadn't been for the very sad reasons being there in the first place I would have thrown myself in the snow, making angels and snow men and end up with a terrible cold - but being very happy.

Rest in peace my dear uncle C.

Photos

We've decided to sell our house. It's not like we have to, but we want to. My darling boyfriend had filled the top floor with everything that's been hidden in our attic. When I say everything I mean everything and when I say filled I mean filled. 'Most of the stuff is yours' he said. I looked at all the boxes and recognised some of them. Haven't seen them since I moved away from Stockholm. For example I found a paper bad filled with Ikea catalouges and magazines. All from 2001 - 2003. History. Dreaming of the perfect apartment. Then the perfect house. Still thinking it'd bring me the ultimate happiness. Maybe my apartment gave me that, the happiness. But I don't think the house has contributed that much.

Anyway, glancing at the boxes I could easily see that the majority of them wasn't mine. A box with maybe one of mine items was stuffed with the boyfriend's things. I did however find my huge John Lennon book that I thought had been stolen, it was buried underneath Boyfriend's Garfield collection. I don't mind. Seeing it again was wonderful, like a long lost friend. I've been looking for it. Every time we've prepared for New York. But I had filed it as 'stolen'. I even went thru a list of 'friends' that could have taken it it. Like the guy I refused to kiss/date who stole my Mick Jagger biography I'd gotten for Xmas. I never even read it. My John Lennon book is big however, it's not just something you put in your pocket. But you could put it in a briefcase. Or plastic bag. But it's not stolen. I still have it. What a relief. Speaking of finding lost things; Boyfriend asked me about the Greedie's version of 'Merry Jingle' and I went upstairs to get it. Took me forever to find it, allthough it was filed under Thin Lizzy / Compliations. What more I found was the 'Lizzy Songs' CD that I have been looking for. I knew I had it, John Norum is playing 'Massacre' on it. But I couldn't find it. It went so far that I had to get a 2nd copy. Today I found it. Filed under Thin Lizzy / Compliations. With only 3 cds between my original copy and the new copy. How do you explain that?

But still, this wasn't what I was going to write about.
Of all the boxes in the attic there was one I knew I would have to face sooner or - rather - later. The box with the photos from 1995 - 2003. I opened one of the envelopes and there she was. Michelle. Visting me when I lived in Gotland. Every other photo was of her, of us. Next envelope was a John Norum Group-gig. There she was again. Hugging John, hugging friends, playing the guitar, being caught up in the music. I miss her. It doesn't feel real. She was here and now she isn't. But she is. I haven't been able to let her go. I will, I guess, do it. But not yet. I looked at some more photos. Finding both Deep Purple and Pretty Maids, but still, too much pain knowing I won't be taking any more photos of Michelle. No more laughing. No more 'nudge, nudge, wink, wink' at John Sykes. Giggling.

No more. Ever.

Goodbye

Today we said goodbye to uncle C. It was hard, much harder than I
imagined, and I thought it'd be difficult to start with.
I have no words but tears are rolling down as I write this, sitting in
an empty train, going home.

I am saying farewell to J a little by little, I am not ready to let go
just yet. Yesterday I lost a big piece at the Pretty Maids xmas gig
but today was even worse. Hearing Uncle Cs friends talking about him
it all fitted J too. I love you so much.

I don't see the point. I want to Believe in somthing bigger but the
only thing I trust is destiny. But I don't understand it.

After the fire's gone, when every flame has died, whenever we lose
someone, whenever we say goodbye, there will be a savage heart.
(pretty maids)